Single Black Female. Please sit all the way down. Forever. Thanks

January 20, 2010 at 8:12 PM | Posted in Ah C'mon!, Boys! Boys! Boys!, Dash Dices, Don't be a Dummy, Gimme a frickin break!, Hear me ROAR!, I have had enough, Love, Dating & Relationships, Please don't be "that girl", Sad but true, Seriously?, Soapbox in the Raw, UGH!, Willy Nilly, Yowzers | 10 Comments

Editor’s Note: I really wanted to stay away from this topic. I really really did. Why? Simply put. I think it’s silly. But everyone and their third cousin has been asking me my opinion on the topic so I’ll express it here. At about 4:28  minutes in homegirl in the purple shirt says “No, I don’t do that” in reference to being opposed to asking a man that she liked for his number. I will now analyze and dissect the story that she told and her response in correlation to her future as a cat-lady.

Um excuse me?? “You don’t DOOOO that?” Hi, have you met yourself, yea, you! you’re the single girl on the ABC special I’m watching. This must be a joke! A complete joke! This lady is crying that she’s single yet she “doesn’t “do that?” Helllooo????!!!! That’s why you’re single. Is that connection so damn hard to fathom?

The thing that blows my mind to bits is these women seem like they genuinely want to find love and happiness in love but they sure aren’t acting like it. If I want to lose weight but I lay around everyday eating twinkies, ring dings, ho-hos, and star crunches mushed into chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with a large fry, chocolate shake and Big Mac to wash it down before a large pizza desert, will I lose weight? Hell to NO! (Sounds like a Sunday Funday plan though) So if you’re looking for love but are reluctant to put yourself out there, are you going to find love? Methinks not. Look at the bigger picture. Sure, that woman may feel awkward for the 2.5 seconds it takes to ask this wonderful Caucasian gentleman she was vibing with for his number but what happens after that? They exchange numbers and can then see if a fruitful relationship manifests. The alternative is the same position she’s in. Lonely. And complaining to complete strangers like me who don’t give a hell.

This lady still has SILLY rules about approaching a man at 34. There’s the problem. A wise man once told me to get the results you’re not getting, do something you’re not doing. Whether that means, changing the places you meet men, changing your demeanor or (that stank face you always have on), it’s about doing something different so you achieve different and more preferable results. So obviously since she doesn’t “do that” she will never get married. The act of asking a man for his number is not brazen, it’s not slutty, it’s showing your interest in an effort to be un-single. Let’s keep it funky here, the woman ain’t no spring chicken. Beautiful woman, but no spring chicken. Looks fade. Loneliness doesn’t. And intelligent women can discern that.

You ever see those beautiful, intelligent, funny, women with a Pee-Wee Herman looking dude? As my male co-worker shouted out in anguish one day  after looking up the husbands of beautiful women,”It’s ALWAYS thooose guys.” I turned to him, looked him dead in the eye and said “Yes because ‘thaaaaat guy’ treats her like gold and doesn’t cheat on her and makes her laugh and buys her flowers not only when he’s in the doghouse and probably appreciates her more than any Casanova looking guy could. That’s why it’s ‘thoooooose guys'” There also comes a point where you have to weigh what is most important in a mate. His looks or how he he treats you? His race or his character? Hmmmm, let’s make Dr. King proud here.

I have heard time and time again of “the dream.” “A goooood black man.”Beautiful black woman marries handsome black man they have 2.5 beautiful black kids a picket fence and a chocolate labrador. Woman, you are limiting yourself. Enough with these rules and regulations. They will keep you exactly where you are. Single. Does this chocolate dream tell you whether you’ll be happy in your marriage? Does it tell you that this man won’t cheat on you, or you on him? Does it tell you that it will last forever? If there’s a “black girl curse” I guess I have immunity, because there is no shortage of good catches being thrown my way. Besides, I had a very wise woman that set me straight at a very early age.

I remember when I was 15, I proclaimed to my mother “Mommy, I’m going to marry a Panamanian man” and instead of a proud approving smile, I got a bewildered look and a “Why?” I stuttered a little. Wasn’t I supposed to marry someone like me? She looked at me and said, “there are lots of good men that aren’t Panamanian.” So I would ask that same question to those women boo-hoo-hooing about wanting to wed a “strong brutha.” Sure. I’m not exempt from drooling over a Morris Chestnut (circa 2007/2008 cuz I heard he went a little bit downhill :sigh:), a Will Smith, Idris Elba, or Djimon Hounsou but really does the race of your mate trump your happiness? As Chris Rock said “ brothers have been exercising their options forever. I don’t know why sisters don’t.”

I could never understand the stigma of ‘exercising one’s options.’ I often wonder if a woman will stay with a man that doesn’t fulfill all your needs just because he’s a “good black man” rather than be happy with a man who does, that isn’t black? Gimme a frickin’ break. If the guy’s handsome. He’s handsome. If he treats you like a queen. He treats you like a queen. Point blank. There shouldn’t be a stipulation on his race that prevents the match. See that’s the beauty of the world. Men come in many different colors, shades, hues, ethnicities, shapes, sizes and flavors. It’s a buffet!  So those that restrict their diet to only one food group, how can they ever be satisfied?

Some people are so hung up on the superficial that they forget to see the forest for the trees. Is it more important that he has the same melanin as you or is it more important that he always keeps his word, he gives you foot massages and doesn’t mind picking up some tampons now and again when you’re doubled over from cramps. Seriously. People opt out of a good thing for dumb reasons and then when they reach that point of desperation, end up kicking themselves. Too bad no one’s there to nurse their wounds.

If your mate mentality is that narrow, then you deserve to be single. And lonely. And cold. With 5 cats. That you’re allergic too.

Related: Why didn’t he call me back? Because you’re a f*****g psycho that’s why!

Related: Why you so uptight?

Related: Best Advice: Don’t take him seriously, until you do

Related: Why are you single? Uh cuz I’d rather to eat raw cookie dough! Duh!

Related: So ‘hooking up’ is the new dating?

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  1. AMEN!!! i saw this special recently as well and i was appalled. there is nothing wrong or undesireable about us, however we need to learn to let go of somethings. no man is going to meet everything on our laundry list of standards so worry about the big things (i.e. morals, work ethic,etc.). there is no reason why 47% of black women have never been married compared to 23% of white women. we should be more than willing to step out of our comfort zone, we aren’t traitors for looking in other cultures, black men exercise that right all the time and its time we do so too. a good man is already hard to find, why make it even harder. a good man is a good man universally!

  2. I used to think the same way that I wanted to marry a black man and have this beautiful family except I wanted a maltese :-) But a/b 2yrs ago my mom comes to me asks me if im dating anyone special and I told her no-good blk men are scarce. And to my surprise she asked me why i was limiting myself…she said “we are not prejudice…you can date a blk, spanish, white, whoever makes you happy…look at your cousins..” and went on a list of the females on her side of the family that are dating men outside the race/culture.

    But back to the point at hand…laundry list has got to go…and “looking for love” has got to go. Putting yourself out there doesnt mean that you’re being a whore, it means you’re being a confident woman ready to see what’s out there in the world hoping to run into a good man, start a friendly conversation, or bump into each other by accident. I can’t lie, sometimes I’m hesitant to start a conversation myself, but when it does happen or the opportunity arises, I don’t shy away from it…may not be the love of your life but you might’ve made a new friend. Be yourself…be a woman…be confident in yourself…and let things happen…no matter what he looks like. And honestly…your idea of happy at 16-20 shouldnt be your idea of happy from 21-25, 25-30, and 30+. When reality sets in, you can’t fight it.

  3. [...] Related: Why are you single? Uh cuz I’d rather eat raw cookie dough! DUH! Related: Have you ever thought maybe, just maaaaybe she’s just not that into you? Related: Guys, don’t do this Related: Best Advice: Don’t take him seriously…until you do Related: Single Black Female, please sit all the way down. Forever. [...]

  4. I went IN on twitter concerning this “Single Black Female Epidemic”…quite frankly, I’m disgusted with people thinking something is wrong with single black women and men using it to their advantage to further show their asses. There are a number of reasons as to why a black woman can be single, including because she chooses to.

    That being said, I don’t disagree with a woman NOT wanting to approach a man. I am all “She Woman, hear me roar”, however, I do not approach/pursue men and I’ve gotten by quite ok without doing so. It may be the “old fashion” ideas in me, but there’s something about a man pursuing a woman that is still very appealing. I believe in a man choosing his wife, and a woman making it “ok” for him to approach her and knowing when to quit playing “hard to get”….And women are very clever, just because a woman chooses not to “actively” approach a man, doesn’t mean she hasn’t put work in behind the scenes to ensure the man approaches & pursues her ;-)

    Dash, you are my (twitter) bff in my head…however, there is one striking thing I’ve seen we differ vastly on…Black Love. I love, support, endorse, and encourage Black Love. Now I believe in loving whomever your heart desires and that you can’t control who you fall in love with, but you can control who you choose to date. The strength of a black man is unmatched, (even by black women, to an extent, who have been forced to pick up the slack of black men due to all sorts of historical/socio-economic reasons), they are beautiful. A black man with a black woman represents strength and hope for our communities [I am not taking anything away from interracial couples, I'm merely expressing my sentiment for black love].

    I have surely had my share of hurt & ups/downs with men (black men), but I in NO WAY think there is a shortage of “good” black men. I also believe if a woman continues to run into the same type of man, or “aint shit” men, she needs to check herself first, instead of doing away with black men altogether. Love isn’t something that should be sought out, I believe in keeping an open mind, however, “exercising your options”, “not limiting yourself to ‘just’ black men” comes across as more of a techinque to just getting “hitched” as opposed to allowing “true” love to take its course.

    • Point taken and very valid one. I’m also very traditional, I have never approached a guy buuuuuuutttt homegirl is 35 and aching for a man, I think the traditions need room to breathe at this point and time. At 23 and 24, we don’t really have to think about approaching anyone, but at 35, that may (or may not) have to change. Yes Black Love is beautiful, but Love is the key word here. In my mind, love comes first and foremost. It just doesn’t make any sense to me to reject a wonderful man just because he isn’t Black. I do not believe there’s a shortage of good men, I look to my father and younger brother and can easily see that but women need to stop getting in the way of themselves. The “not limiting yourself” isn’t a technique, it is more of a dating mentality. Who says Mr. Right has to come in the same shade /race/ethnicity as you? We can’t control who we fall in love with, that is very true but we can choose to let “true love” take it’s course by being open-minded and open-hearted.

  5. AMEN!

    Young lady, I am really enjoying reading your posts. So refreshing to see someone as young and as wise as you in the blogosphere.
    I wish you all the best!

    Felicia

    • Thanks Felicia, your support is definitely appreciated! P.S. Mama didn’t raise no fool ;-)

  6. [...] Related: So “Hooking up” is the new “Dating”? Not for I, said the one named Dash Realted: Single Black Female. Please sit all the way down. Forever. Thanks Related: Best Advice: Don’t take him seriously…until you [...]

  7. [...] strong bond with someone, male or female, is an invaluable component of life. You know the saying, when you find true love, hold on to it.  Writing off half the population is not conducive to this. If someone can predict what you are [...]

  8. [...] may be 5. I get that, but there’s an understood line among reasonable people (I am factoring out the women with the laundry list of unreasonable requirements) and too many women have let some men cross it, trample it, set up an x-box on it then piss on [...]


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