If you have to cry…go to the bathroom

February 10, 2010 at 5:46 PM | Posted in I support this, Seriously? | 6 Comments

“If you have to cry,  go outside” – Kell on Earth

Kelly Cutrone. Thank you. Can you embroider this on a pillow, attach to the back of plane, splash it on a billboard in Times Square and tattoo it on my forehead?

I can empathize with this largely because I absolutely HATE seeing people cry. Hate hate loathe abhor hate! I’m not insensitive and I am very in touch with my “feelings” but like Kelly said “go outside,” my advice is to “go somewhere” if you feel you’re going to cry in a public setting. ESPECIALLY at work. That is HA-UGE NO-NO. Your place of employment is not the stage for waterworks, or a pity party. Besides being unprofessional it is downright uncomfortable for those around you. Mainly people like me.  People who will look at you like you have 98,496 heads if you start with that nonsense.
Continue Reading If you have to cry…go to the bathroom…

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Lookin’ like a FOOL with your pants on the ground

February 5, 2010 at 6:48 PM | Posted in Ah C'mon!, Boys! Boys! Boys!, Don't be a Dummy, Please don't be "that guy", Seriously? | 3 Comments

Inside my brain when I spot “pants on the ground”

Ewwww…You look like a scumbag. Why is your whole entire ass out? You don’t feel that draft? No? You don’t have a problem the thin material that is your underwear is feeble protection from the elements. Don’t you feel that cold germy subway seat on your ass? As a full grown man, you don’t care that everyone sees your underwear? Is it comfortable waddling like that all day? Do you feel cool reaching down to your ankles to grab your wallet? Do girls like that? Cuz I know women sure don’t.
Continue Reading Lookin’ like a FOOL with your pants on the ground…

Womanhood: It ain’t all about bouncing breasts and jiggling booties

February 2, 2010 at 4:06 PM | Posted in As A Man, Don't be a Dummy, Please don't be "that girl", Please don't be "that guy", Seriously?, Soapbox in the Raw | 5 Comments

Editor’s Note: The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Steven Chew Jr. You can read the Chronicles of Chew here.

As a man, you are conveniently served a buffet of sexually explicit images of women on television. Just 30 minutes of music video enjoyment provides more breast and thighs than a bucket at KFC. These images in music videos, film, and magazines give any man enough to satiate a lustful sexual appetite. But is there ever a time to step back and think about how these images affect the female gender?…Um…. No… – Is the response you might get from some men in regards to the question and topic.
As men let’s face it – we all have a mother, maybe a sister, and might experience the joy of having a daughter someday, so what separates the women in our lives from the negative images of women in the media today? -Nothing.

Now, let’s really think about these images. The video hoe, the nympho, the man hungry bimbo, the ditz, the hysterical and powerless female roles in movies and television shows all were created and reinforced by the male’s sexual domination in everyday society. All of these images can have a negative influence on the way women might view themselves. Several young women, who are discovering their “womanhood” or “role in society”, might view these images and mistake them as truth or may feel they cannot transcend the images of what the media depicts them as. It is important to make a conscious effort to teach young women that they are more than these unsubstantial, vapid images and to direct them towards more positive, multi-dimensional female role models.

Continue Reading Womanhood: It ain’t all about bouncing breasts and jiggling booties…

Single Black Female. Please sit all the way down. Forever. Thanks

January 20, 2010 at 8:12 PM | Posted in Ah C'mon!, Boys! Boys! Boys!, Dash Dices, Don't be a Dummy, Gimme a frickin break!, Hear me ROAR!, I have had enough, Love, Dating & Relationships, Please don't be "that girl", Sad but true, Seriously?, Soapbox in the Raw, UGH!, Willy Nilly, Yowzers | 10 Comments

Editor’s Note: I really wanted to stay away from this topic. I really really did. Why? Simply put. I think it’s silly. But everyone and their third cousin has been asking me my opinion on the topic so I’ll express it here. At about 4:28  minutes in homegirl in the purple shirt says “No, I don’t do that” in reference to being opposed to asking a man that she liked for his number. I will now analyze and dissect the story that she told and her response in correlation to her future as a cat-lady.

Um excuse me?? “You don’t DOOOO that?” Hi, have you met yourself, yea, you! you’re the single girl on the ABC special I’m watching. This must be a joke! A complete joke! This lady is crying that she’s single yet she “doesn’t “do that?” Helllooo????!!!! That’s why you’re single. Is that connection so damn hard to fathom?

The thing that blows my mind to bits is these women seem like they genuinely want to find love and happiness in love but they sure aren’t acting like it. If I want to lose weight but I lay around everyday eating twinkies, ring dings, ho-hos, and star crunches mushed into chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream with a large fry, chocolate shake and Big Mac to wash it down before a large pizza desert, will I lose weight? Hell to NO! (Sounds like a Sunday Funday plan though) So if you’re looking for love but are reluctant to put yourself out there, are you going to find love? Methinks not. Look at the bigger picture. Sure, that woman may feel awkward for the 2.5 seconds it takes to ask this wonderful Caucasian gentleman she was vibing with for his number but what happens after that? They exchange numbers and can then see if a fruitful relationship manifests. The alternative is the same position she’s in. Lonely. And complaining to complete strangers like me who don’t give a hell.

This lady still has SILLY rules about approaching a man at 34. There’s the problem. A wise man once told me to get the results you’re not getting, do something you’re not doing. Whether that means, changing the places you meet men, changing your demeanor or (that stank face you always have on), it’s about doing something different so you achieve different and more preferable results. So obviously since she doesn’t “do that” she will never get married. The act of asking a man for his number is not brazen, it’s not slutty, it’s showing your interest in an effort to be un-single. Let’s keep it funky here, the woman ain’t no spring chicken. Beautiful woman, but no spring chicken. Looks fade. Loneliness doesn’t. And intelligent women can discern that.

Continue Reading Single Black Female. Please sit all the way down. Forever. Thanks…

Black woman why art thou so angry?

January 15, 2010 at 7:44 PM | Posted in Ah C'mon!, Don't be a Dummy, Gimme a frickin break!, Hear me ROAR!, Higher Definition, I have had enough, Please don't be "that girl", Seriously? | 5 Comments

Editor’s note: I had a revelation today.

I hop on the M4, on my way home today. It’s Friday, feeling good and looking forward to a weekend of fundraising and helping in relief efforts. I maneuver my way through the afternoon crowd on the bus to the middle of the bus find a seat, plop down and grab my book out of my bag. As soon as the book hit my lap I hear a an angry voice scream, ” CAN YOU TAKE YOUR BAG HANDLE OUT OF MY BACK!!!!!” Extremely nasty, and extremely unwarranted. I had no clue my bag handle decided to beat the hell out of her. It was honestly unbeknownst to me that any part of my bag was even touching her, but clearly this bag assault seemed to have ruined her life from the sounds of it. So I obliged this lady but I was absolutely incredulous. As a woman and citizen of the world I had to let the screecher know her attitude was uncalled for. In my most even-toned voice I retorted, “Well you didn’t have to be so rude about it.” I then cracked open my book and instantly became engrossed as she turned around and screeched, “EXCUSE ME, WHAT DID YOU SAY???, WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOU SAID I’M RUDE? YOU’RE THE ONE WHO HAD YOUR PURSE IN MY BACK, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT RUDE IS.” She turned to the person sitting to her, who didn’t even bat an eye at her, for support to continue her diatribe. ‘CAN YOU BELIEVE HER??? WHAT…BLAH BLAH BLAH..” for literally, 3 minutes on a crowded bus of people. I wanted no parts of her insidious rant so I remained engrossed in my book and let her show just how crazy she was by yelling at no one. At least no one that was interested in entertaining her childish foolishness.

When I got off the bus I wondered, why the anger, lady? Why was her initial response rancor? Why did she feel compelled to talk to another human being with such venom? A simple, “Your bag is in my back,” would have done the trick. I didn’t know her from a ham sandwich. Did she think I had a personal vendetta against ladies that wear furry hats and glasses and the only way to satisfy this need for blood was to go around on buses jabbing people in the back with my purse handle? Why is it in a city as huge and as crowded as New York, you think you would be exempt from having another person’s property touch you? I’ve seen people fall asleep on subway on the shoulder of the person they’re sitting next to. I didn’t see that unlucky person lash out in the same manner as this lady did. Apparently being assaulted by a purse warranted such a brute reaction. Why would she debase herself and look like a raving lunatic on a bus full of people? Was it worth it? Did it require all of that?

My response is no. Her response would probably be a resounding screech of YES!!! My father’s response was “poor thing.” I paused. “Huh?” He said “She doesn’t know any better.” I thought that was a valid point, but don’t we learn how to speak to others in uh…kindergarten? As aforementioned, her ravings were to no avail because my book was way more important than some crazy lady on the bus. But it sincerely breaks my heart that people like her are the representation for people that look like me. The good, is seldom remembered as much as the bad. So as super-human as Michelle Obama is, the crazy lady in the furry hat screaming on the bus is what people are going to think of when they see my brown face.

Related: Why Didn’t he call me back? Because you’re a f*****g psycho that’s why!
Related: Single Black Female please sit all the way down forever. Thanks

So “Hooking up” is the new “Dating”? Not for I, said the one named Dash

January 11, 2010 at 8:19 PM | Posted in Hot Sex on Fire, I can't support this, Love, Dating & Relationships, Sad but true, Seriously? | 2 Comments

Ok, I confess, I can’t get enough of NyMag’s Sex Diaries. It’s a healthy addiction. It’s harmless really, every time I finish reading one diarists’ entry I leave feeling relieved about my own love life with an enthused “glad I’m not THAT guy/girl.” To me it’s pure entertainment. I laugh and point at most of the situations logged in these almost fictional entries. It’s hard to believe any self-respecting woman would beg for sex and get turned down by two different guys in one day. Well, in fact I finish reading most entries incredulous. I often wondered is this normal? Am I abnormal for still upholding the age-old art of dating and expecting the guy to *gasp* open the door (at the very least)? But, as the unifying theme in every entry depicts, technology, particularly “sexting” has given way for dating’s red-headed step-child, “hooking up.” A dirty facade that is no longer viewed as such. Allegedly.

“Has the search for erotic gratification ever been so efficient? Until recently, being a cad or coquette took a lot of work: You needed to buy a little black book, and you had to go around filling it, and then you had to schedule your calls for a time when the target of your seduction was likely to be at home. The less-self-assured daters in New York faced the sickening anxiety of the first phone call, or the cold approach in the bar. There were palliatives designed to help people cope—the newspaper personal ads, the paid dating services, the dirty videos and magazines—but they were generally understood to be the province of weirdos and losers. No more. The social technologies that assist in dating and mating today are more than palliatives – they’ve changed the nature of the game.”

In a world where “hooking up” is becoming the standard among young people, I refuse to be part of it. Frankly my daddy taught me better than that. What the hell did “Johnny” (or “Raul” or “Jamal” or “Muhammad” or “Lee”) do to earn a kiss or a feel? Many blame their dalliances on the alcohol, sometimes loneliness, sometimes boyfriend number 3 was acting stupid and boyfriend number 1 was out of town so Sue went with boyfriend number 2. Wesley Yang wrote an insightful, introspective and spot-on piece on this new “dating/hooking up” phenomena where the dating part is obsolete: A Critical (But Highly Sympathetic) Reading of New Yorkers’ Sexual Habits and Anxieties

It seems like a lot of these New York diarists’ raison d’etre is to end up in a stranger’s bed(s). Alas, I guess I get in the way of myself in that instance, because my reason for being is to dance. Yes, I love dancing. Ask anyone, I’m a fool for the dance. But only vertically.

Another apology?: Sen. Harry Reid is quoted as commenting on Obama’s lack of “Negro dialect”

January 10, 2010 at 3:20 PM | Posted in Ah C'mon!, Don't be a Dummy, Gimme a frickin break!, Hear me ROAR!, Higher Definition, Over it, Sad but true, Seriously?, Snooze, Willy Nilly, Yowzers | 5 Comments

Read the full story here

Washington (CNN) — Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid apologized Saturday for making racially insensitive remarks about Barack Obama during the presidential campaign.

Journalists Mark Halperin and John Heilemann reported the remarks in their new book, “Game Change,” which is scheduled to be in bookstores Tuesday.

The authors quote Reid as saying privately that Obama, as a black candidate, could be successful thanks, in part, to his “light-skinned” appearance and speaking patterns “with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.”

“He [Reid] was wowed by Obama’s oratorical gifts and believed that the country was ready to embrace a black presidential candidate, especially one such as Obama — a ‘light-skinned’ African American ‘with no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one,’ ” Halperin and Heilemann say.

“Reid was convinced, in fact, that Obama’s race would help him more than hurt him in a bid for the Democratic nomination,” they write.

In a statement to CNN, Reid said, “I deeply regret using such a poor choice of words.”

“I sincerely apologize for offending any and all Americans, especially African Americans for my improper comments.

“I was a proud and enthusiastic supporter of Barack Obama during the campaign and have worked as hard as I can to advance President Obama’s legislative agenda,” the senator from Nevada said.

Reid pointed to his efforts to integrate the Las Vegas Strip and the gaming industry, among other legislation favored by African-American voters.

“I have worked hard to advance issues important to the African American community.”

he senator called Obama Saturday afternoon to apologize for the racially insensitive remarks.

“Harry Reid called me today and apologized for an unfortunate comment reported today,” Obama said in a statement.

“I accepted Harry’s apology without question because I’ve known him for years, I’ve seen the passionate leadership he’s shown on issues of social justice and I know what’s in his heart. As far as I am concerned, the book is closed.”

Hmmmmm. I’m going to be a little bit objective here. My first thought is Reid’s un-PC remarks weren’t that much different than remarks black people were making about Obama since he started campaigning. The real problem here is Reid is white and sometimes the truth hurts.

It is openly discussed among the black community that “light skin” is easily accepted among the non-black populous versus “dark skin.” It’s “wrong” but that’s the way it is. Reid was making the same observation a person of color has made since the beginning of race relations in this country.

The “negro dialect” Reid was referring to is formally known as “African American Vernacular English,” and casually known as “Ebonics.” Although, Reid’s choice of words in describing this dialect warranted furrowed brows and wagging heads, he wasn’t off the mark. If Obama took the podium in the voice of Lil’ Wayne, every black person would be up in arms about how “ghetto” he is, about how “he can’t act right.” Reid, in less words, was saying Obama was “acting right.” Right enough so that he  had a fighting chance to be elected by those people who wouldn’t ordinarily vote for a black man.

Now we all know exactly how the “black man” is perceived in this world. I said, world and not America, because this folly of a stereotype is on a global scale. Black men are angry, aggressive, dangerous and most of all scary. I can’t count how many times my guy friends have told me that banal story of the white woman that hastily grabbed her purse or crossed the street when she saw them coming. I can’t count how many times I see a young black man get stopped and frisked when he was just minding his own business.

Continue Reading Another apology?: Sen. Harry Reid is quoted as commenting on Obama’s lack of “Negro dialect”…

“Welp, I’m ordering the cheapest thing on the menu.” Guys don’t do this…

January 9, 2010 at 2:59 PM | Posted in Ah C'mon!, Don't be a Dummy, Hot Sex on Fire, Love, Dating & Relationships, Seriously? | 10 Comments

Editor’s Note: I’ve had my share of first date disasters. I’m no stranger to first date hell. Plenty of it. I can laugh about them now and the men that committed these atrocities are the running jokes among my circle of friends. All of the following tips come from experience, they ALL happened to me. Sad but true. For the sake of my fellow woman, I feel a moral obligation to educate the male masses on things that will definitely land you directly on dontdatehim.com.


1. When you open the menu do NOT say “Welp I’m ordering the cheapest thing on the menu”

Yes, this actually did happen and yes, I did cut this “date” short. Furthermore, do not declare or give your date any inkling of your financial situation whether good or bad. Simply it’s disgustingly tacky. Finances are personal.

2. Do not ask me to come back to your place. Please, just don’t even try it.

It’s tacky. You look desperate. You look like a giant perv and if I wanted to come back to your place I would make it abundantly clear. Down boy.

3.Do not spend the duration of the movie BBMing/texting/checking your phone.

Am I interrupting that date you have with your blackberry? Do you want me to leave? Because that’s exactly what I did.

4. Do not invite your friends on our date

Uh, once again. Am i interrupting something? Should I leave. Oh yea, I just did.

5. Do not come on a date with funky breath!

I thought good hygiene is a given. Great hygiene, especially fresh breath should go without saying on a date! Isn’t the goal to get a kiss at the end of the night? Even if I’m feeling the hell out of you, you get no tonsil hockey with a nasty mouth! Just Yuck!

6. Do not undress me with your eyes.

Ok guys, we know the kind of response we will garner by putting on that push up bra and low cut top. We actually plan these seductive moves sometimes. I expect the lingering eye. Sure. But if it’s to the point that I don’t even know the color or your eyes because you’re exploring the goods the whole ENTIRE time, I will definitely throw that turtleneck on next time.

7. Do not come on the date looking like a bum!

So I must get dolled up, put on the wonder bra, put on these 6 inch heels, put on this dazzling eye shadow and you show up in a dirty tee and jeans? Boy BYE!! I’ll go be pretty for someone that appreciates it.

8. Do not spend the whole night staring deeply in my eyes.

Dude it’s creepy.

9. Do not let me know there was even a check.

Asking for the check and promptly paying (in the case of a date that involves food and drink) is an art that is perfected over time. This is why I suggest dating older men. The best way to do this is discretion. SIgnal the server by drawing an imaginary check in the air, look over the bill, pay, all while not missing a beat in our awesome convo. (Believe me it’s been done) Milling over the bill for more than 30 seconds is a huge turn off.

10. Do not ask me for a kiss….or to fondle my boobs for that matter

Just do it man. The kiss, not the boob thing. You will know if it will be welcomed. We’re all adults here. We women like a little sugar too. ; ) Well not the boob thing. I will now call those nice men in uniform over there. Yup, that’s the guy officers.

11. Do not wait an eternity to follow up if you like me.

You know that 2 day rule or whatever the hell it is? Yea, don’t do that. If you’re interested, show interest! Because if the woman is like me, I will hit your call or text back  with the “Who is this?” If you’re not interested? Well, carry on sir.

Related: Have you ever thought…maybe SHE’S not into YOU?!
Related: Why are you still single? Because I’d rather eat raw cookie dough! Duh!
Related: The stupid BS some guys do

Does it really take castration to avoid cheating?

December 18, 2009 at 1:48 PM | Posted in Ah C'mon!, Sad but true, Seriously? | Leave a comment

‘Colombian man castrates himself to avoid cheating on wife’

Why are you single? Uh cuz I’d rather eat raw cookie dough. Duh.

December 10, 2009 at 1:53 PM | Posted in A little bit o' Mich & a Dash, Ah C'mon!, Gimme a frickin break!, Hear me ROAR!, I have had enough, Seriously?, UGH! | 15 Comments

I’m 23. I’m young. All my co-workers call me a kid. They have kids older than me. Some of their hairstyles are older than me. I’m fine with that. Like my co-worker, Dino said, stay a kid as long as possible. Goo goo ga ga. I have no qualms about my youth. I love it. I revel in it. I’m not going to waste it.

I am also single. I’m single and I like it. My mother encourages me to stay this way. My father’s ecstatic at this choice. I don’t think I have to “explain” why I’m single. It’s not a condition, it’s not a sickness. My declaration of that choice shouldn’t be met with a head tilted look of pity and a drawn out “AwwWWWwwwwww.” Save it d-bag.

Is it a requirement to have a significant other? Frankly, I’m way more happy flying solo. I come and go as I please. I don’t have to report to anyone. I don’t have to invite “him” to the movie I would rather see by myself. And if my room is messy, the only person that sees it is me.

I don’t need another commitment in my life at this point. I’m post grad. I’m still coming to terms that my first born is indebted to Sallie Mae. I’m almost a year into my career and my time and energy is better suited for avoiding office gossip, plotting my moves for world domination, gallivanting about town in that ca-yute dress, trading clothes with my hot mother, BBM-ing and tweeting the hell out of my friends, eating raw cookie dough, and frequent early car discussions on the plight and resolutions of minorities in America. Thanks Daddy!

I don’t feel the pressure to get a boyfriend. Much less getting married. Sure I date. I date a lot. @Tdotcarter1 calls me “United Nations” I like ‘em all.  However, I don’t feel compelled to be in a relationship. There’s absolutely nothing appealing about it. It comes with obligations that I’d just rather not have. Especially in the midst of giving one liver to Sallie Mae and my right lung to my progressing career. I have priorities that take precedent over “brunch with the boy.”  It’ll infringe on my raw cooking dough eating or on any one or combination of the aforementioned joys of my life.

I get annoyed easily. My best friend does too. She gets me. The rest of my friends get me. My family gets me, and I get all the love, understading and abuse I can handle from these people. An ole ball and chain is excessive. I don’t have the patience to help a man “get me.” I’m not ready for that. Hell HE’S not ready for that.

What I am NOT ready for is this marriage psycho babble I keep hearing from my own friends and followers. Why do women feel so much pressure to get married as soon as they reach legal drinking age? From what I see, men get married in their 30’s 40’s 50’s or never. And ask them if they give two hells about it. Why has this stigma of being old maid scared women shitless into a bedlam to wed when men can simply be a “bachelor” their whole lives? Give me a break. It’s enough already. Women, live your life, happily and completely and forget about timing. If you so happen to find your mate at 25, well, rock on with your bad self. I support it. But what’s wrong with getting married older?

I know, I know, childbirth has more complications after age 35. That’s a weak argument. Women have children well into their 40’s these days. Ok, so you don’t want to be “old” while raising kids. Another weak argument. If you take your health seriously, it doesn’t matter if you’re 60 at Johnny’s high school graduation. So then what are the reasons women feel they want or must be married by their late 20’s? I have yet to hear a good one. Well I guess if you’re aspiring career is “housewife.” You win.

I support living one’s life and doing what you want and being selfish until you are ready to make that commitment to a husband and then eventually kids. Personally, I want to flourish in my career, open a couple businesses, help some people, get an ice cream flavor named after me and travel the world before I get a ring put on it.  I’m having way too much fun right now. Errrr not that you can’t have fun with a husband…:blink blink:

If you are not whole before you become one with another individual…guess what, you will still be incomplete and for those that are complete and are on the desperate search for “the one.” Please stop. It’s pathetic. I’m sorry, this is my opinion. Haste makes waste. #yougottachill. There shouldn’t be a deadline on forever. Yes, marriage is forever.

Marriage is a life-long commitment and I think a lot of people forget that. Marriage is with another person. You are responsible for another human being’s heart. That’s a colossal responsibility, with negative and positive ramifications depending on you handle that responsibility. I’m not there yet. I still say goo-goo ga ga.

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