You have a child sir? This date is over

February 15, 2010 at 7:53 PM | Posted in As A Man, Gimme a frickin break!, Hear me ROAR!, Love, Dating & Relationships | 13 Comments

Editor’s Note: I don’t date men with kid(s). Period. Here’s why.

5. Your baby mama
Does this really need an explanation?

4. I don’t like kids
Yea, kids are fun, cute, and they say the darndest things. I don’t like ’em. I can do without ’em. I’m sure I’ll like my kids. Maybe not. But I know I will definitely love them. Because I kinda sorta have to.

3. You’re at a stage in your life that I am not even close to.
Whether or not we’re the same age, you now have responsibilities I cannot empathize with, you are a father. You are responsible for another life. The only life I am responsible for, is mine.

2. I don’t care about little Ashley’s play
Conversation about your child is inevitable and to be frank, I really don’t care. I don’t really want to hear about a child that I have no connection to.

1. I don’t want to be second.
Yes, I’m selfish and to that I say , so what? I can be. The possibility of our plans being canceled because Ashley is sick, is not appealing to me, I’ll have to deal with the consequences of your child even though I’m childless. Your child should and will come first and I’m not ok with being in second place. I’m just not.

Editor’s Note: My friend, Latoya wanted in on this topic. She sent me her thoughts and it’s exactly the same as mine. Go figure…

I love kids, I really do, that is why I went into teaching but when I get home the only kids I can deal with should have some of my blood running through their veins. This many not interpreted nicely but I will NOT date a man with a child. Men with children need love too, just not from me. I am 23 years old very soon to be 24. I am at a point in my life when I am still selfish. Meaning between work, school and family I have very little time for a relationship so the time I do have I don’t need it divided between a man and his child when I already have his family, work and boys to contend with. I do not want to hear we can’t go out because you have a birthday party to go to (and no I don’t want to go). I want to be a focal point in his life and I can’t be if he has a child. I wouldn’t trust a man who put me before his child because it tells me his character as a man and how he would treat any potential child we may have together. If I’m not the focal point I will be upset this is why I will make it easy and not bother. Now I’m not going to even dwell on baby mothers but as many good/nice ones I know, I know a lot of crazy ones whose sole purpose seems to be to give the new woman hell and to teach her kids to do the same. Now I understand life happens and so do kids whether planned or not but I am at a point where I’m not ready for my own kids so I’m certainly not ready for yours.

Would you date a guy with kids? Why? Why not? Would this change, if he were Mr. Wonderful? Does age factor into this choice? Would you consider it if you were older and were ready to settle down?

Related: What part of “not interested” do you not understand?
Related: 5 reasons why my father ruined my dating life
Related: Why are you single? Uh, because I’d rather eat raw cookie dough. DUH!
Related: An X signifies being crossed out. From my life

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  1. you guys have just eliminated a lot of great men. do i have a child? no. have i dated a woman with a child? yes. did it work? it could have but i’m some what of a hoe.

    but allow me to play devil’s advocate…so craig is COMMITTED to taking care of his child. if the child is sick, hurt or whatever he drops what he’s doing to take care of his. not to mention the baby mama is not a factor. she isn’t even a threat.

    now fast foward. now he has demonstrated on several occassions that he is capable of caring for another soul that is not his own. don’t you think (for a second) that this may translate into him being just as committed to you as his child in the future? there are TONS of knuckle heads getting women pregnant and acting like the never slept with them, but here is a man that shows you he is capable of being repsonsible and putting other before himself and you want to toss him to the wind. not to mention him having a kid likely means he wont press you into having his.

    i have already taken into account you are young women who have time before little genetics replicas of yourself will walk this earth. you will slowly start to see things a little differently. but until then DO YOU. tres. dos. uno.

    • Doesn’t any preference eliminate a lot of “great men”? Good for Craig. He’s a great catch for someone else. Maybe if I’m “getting up there” (10 years from now) I’ll reconsider but definitely not now. Too bad Craig.

  2. Once again, agreed and for all the reasons you mentioned. No pre-packaged family for me. I don’t think it would change even if he was a great guy. I mean maybe if I were older it would be a different story, but for right now, don’t think so.

    • Yup. Exactly. No pre-packaged family. I want to start from scratch. I don’t want/need the extraneous.

  3. very interesting comments. You know, normally this topic is being talked about by men, like on my site http://youngbrothas.com/2010/02/17/women-with-kids-deal-or-no-deal/

    good to see the females perspective

  4. Word. Dating a man with children, (much like dating outside your race) is a personal choice. At 24 (and a half lol), I am concerned with my education, career, immediate family, and whatever outfit I plan on buying for my next outing. The only person I have to worry about is me, therefore, I want the man I’m dating to be as “care-free” as I am. If we have a weekend trip planned, and your child falls sick, you will do one of two things: either drop our plans to tend to your child (which you should), or continue with what we have planned, (basically giving your a child the middle finger…jack ass). In both situations, I’m going to lose interest. Your having to tend to your child is a reality check that I don’t want (or need) to deal with, and if you choose to say “F your child”, I don’t want anything to do with your trifling ass. It’s a Catch-22. I’m not taking anything away from a man who has children, of course he can still be a good man–I’m just not interested in making him my good man.

    **SB: A man taking care of his children does NOT get him brownie points, that’s what he is SUPPOSED to do, so I don’t equate a man taking care of his children to him being able to take care of me and mine should I get knocked up, instead, I equate a man who does not take care of his children to a worthless piece of shit who dare not even think I’ll give him the time of day.

    • :Blinks twice, faints dead from laughter and clapping: Thank you Dunz! People always want special credit for things they are SUPPOSED to do!” I take care of my kids!” Ummm well like you should d-bag. smh. AMEN to that!

      • a man , that is taking care of responsibilities in general doesn’t deserve brownie points.. that sickens me to my stomach .
        ” i pay child support.. EVERY MONTH” – okay yeah so .. if you didn’t ….think of your children as dead…..
        ” i work, 1, 2 , 3 jobs” okay yeah so… hungry children again…..

        why do you have it in your head that being a mature adult should make me think that I’m with someone extra special…?
        ( i’m almost sure that the world beleives that black woman secially have been through hard ships in relationships, and

        As to me and the kiddos…. I’ve done it…. and i don’t recall experiencing any setbacks…( well keeping the straight face while the baby mamas called was tough). I ran off to two hospital visits ( asthma, and a broken arm), I’ve met a baby mama without my guy being there…. We’ve got the awkward, “you’re almost my age, what do you want with my daddy you whore” look…. it was an experience, I can’t say it bothered me that much… because i never really had to look after the children…. and it didn’t bother me when he needed to spend time with them…. Would I stay clear of it?.. I can’t say that … after having experienced it….
        I feel like what i want from a relationship always stands, never changes.. it’s the control. You are the variable. Right Now I date, I play…. I move on .. I’m not into commitment. If he can give that to me, i have no complaints….
        If the guy is smart, he will handle the situation right, where it shouldn’t affect you, or you shouldn’t feel affected.

  5. I’m with Toya- I love the kids- from afar. As many of you have stated, it’s simply a preference- not me, not now. However, there are other reasons to consider. As a child of divorced parents, I know all to well the pain for a child. If things don’t work out between you and the Mr., not only do you break up with the guy but you break up with the child. Sorry, but I rather not be responsible for countless hours of therapy. It just sucks for everyone involved.

  6. Preach!
    (I’m late, but just got introduced to your blog today)

    I have been involved with 2 men with kids. Never.Again.
    Never.Never.Never.Never.

    And for exactly all of the reasons you listed.

    Oh. Little D is acting out in school? I don’t care.
    Oh. Your baby mama is a psycho? Miss me with that.
    Oh. You couldn’t get a babysitter? Time to find a man without pressing 24/7 obligations.
    Oh. You want me to play with your child? I’m not Barney.
    Oh. You work 2 jobs to pay all your bills? So I’m not getting a birthday present, huh?

    I don’t want a just add water family. I want a boyfriend who might become a fiance who might become a husband who will then become the father of OUR children.

    Not to mention that in no way, shape or form am I EVER interested in paying for the fruit of some other woman’s loins. EVER.

    • @Melissa

      “Not to mention that in no way, shape or form am I EVER interested in paying for the fruit of some other woman’s loins. EVER.”

      No. YOU PREACH! Thank you! LMAO! Good to get the perspective from a woman who has dated a man with kids. Because I won’t even give it a chance.
      Thanks for stopping by, I appreciate it!

  7. […] get him…at firstRelated: 5 reasons why my father RUINED my dating life! Related: You have a child sir? This date is over! Related: So “Hooking up” is the new “Dating”? Not for I, said the one named Dash Realted: […]

  8. Hell no, I would never again date a man with a child. My ex-boyfriend didn’t want his baby’s mama to know about our relationship and he was too emotionally immature even though he did take care of his kid because he was suppose to of course .I didn’t mind being second but he had too much emotional baggage and acted like he was still inlove with his kid’s rather unattractive overweight mother whom he may have been still sleeping with while he was with me.too much to deal with.never again


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