“Welp, I’m ordering the cheapest thing on the menu.” Guys don’t do this…

January 9, 2010 at 2:59 PM | Posted in Ah C'mon!, Don't be a Dummy, Hot Sex on Fire, Love, Dating & Relationships, Seriously? | 10 Comments

Editor’s Note: I’ve had my share of first date disasters. I’m no stranger to first date hell. Plenty of it. I can laugh about them now and the men that committed these atrocities are the running jokes among my circle of friends. All of the following tips come from experience, they ALL happened to me. Sad but true. For the sake of my fellow woman, I feel a moral obligation to educate the male masses on things that will definitely land you directly on dontdatehim.com.


1. When you open the menu do NOT say “Welp I’m ordering the cheapest thing on the menu”

Yes, this actually did happen and yes, I did cut this “date” short. Furthermore, do not declare or give your date any inkling of your financial situation whether good or bad. Simply it’s disgustingly tacky. Finances are personal.

2. Do not ask me to come back to your place. Please, just don’t even try it.

It’s tacky. You look desperate. You look like a giant perv and if I wanted to come back to your place I would make it abundantly clear. Down boy.

3.Do not spend the duration of the movie BBMing/texting/checking your phone.

Am I interrupting that date you have with your blackberry? Do you want me to leave? Because that’s exactly what I did.

4. Do not invite your friends on our date

Uh, once again. Am i interrupting something? Should I leave. Oh yea, I just did.

5. Do not come on a date with funky breath!

I thought good hygiene is a given. Great hygiene, especially fresh breath should go without saying on a date! Isn’t the goal to get a kiss at the end of the night? Even if I’m feeling the hell out of you, you get no tonsil hockey with a nasty mouth! Just Yuck!

6. Do not undress me with your eyes.

Ok guys, we know the kind of response we will garner by putting on that push up bra and low cut top. We actually plan these seductive moves sometimes. I expect the lingering eye. Sure. But if it’s to the point that I don’t even know the color or your eyes because you’re exploring the goods the whole ENTIRE time, I will definitely throw that turtleneck on next time.

7. Do not come on the date looking like a bum!

So I must get dolled up, put on the wonder bra, put on these 6 inch heels, put on this dazzling eye shadow and you show up in a dirty tee and jeans? Boy BYE!! I’ll go be pretty for someone that appreciates it.

8. Do not spend the whole night staring deeply in my eyes.

Dude it’s creepy.

9. Do not let me know there was even a check.

Asking for the check and promptly paying (in the case of a date that involves food and drink) is an art that is perfected over time. This is why I suggest dating older men. The best way to do this is discretion. SIgnal the server by drawing an imaginary check in the air, look over the bill, pay, all while not missing a beat in our awesome convo. (Believe me it’s been done) Milling over the bill for more than 30 seconds is a huge turn off.

10. Do not ask me for a kiss….or to fondle my boobs for that matter

Just do it man. The kiss, not the boob thing. You will know if it will be welcomed. We’re all adults here. We women like a little sugar too. ; ) Well not the boob thing. I will now call those nice men in uniform over there. Yup, that’s the guy officers.

11. Do not wait an eternity to follow up if you like me.

You know that 2 day rule or whatever the hell it is? Yea, don’t do that. If you’re interested, show interest! Because if the woman is like me, I will hit your call or text back  with the “Who is this?” If you’re not interested? Well, carry on sir.

Related: Have you ever thought…maybe SHE’S not into YOU?!
Related: Why are you still single? Because I’d rather eat raw cookie dough! Duh!
Related: The stupid BS some guys do

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10 Comments »

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  1. Well I will have to say that #3 on the list has happened plenty of times and have actually perfected the move of moving away very quickly and swiftly…lol!!!

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